You know those first-time moms – eh hem – remembering being one of those first-time moms with your 18-month-old and your Facebook post,
“Getting ready to potty train! Can’t wait to be out of diapers.”
Remember when you rolled your eyes at your family friend’s comment, “I just waited until Julie was ready to potty train herself – at four years old.”
Remember how you told your husband, “We are not doing that.”
You have your little talking Elmo toilet, a potty seat, big boy undies and a sticker sheet.
You’re not ready.
Turn around before it’s too late.
It’s a trick.
I’m 2 1/2 years in.
And my son pooped.
On the floor.
Here’s the top 5 reasons to stop potty training (yesterday!). I should mention as we get started, this only applies to boys. I’m not sure what the life of potty training a girl looks like.
1. Pee, always and everywhere.
Take a good hard look at your carpet. Actually, get down and take a nice long sniff. Now get ready to say goodbye. While you’re at it, why don’t you invest in a steam cleaning company.
At first it’s innocent. At first your little boy doesn’t know how to listen to his body.
But then, then he’s peeing on the floor because you’re busy with the new baby and he needs some attention.
Then, he’s a 3-year-old who hasn’t had an “accident” in months, but was “too busy playing” to take a pee-break.
Even when he “makes it” to the toilet – the pee somehow puddles all around the toilet. Why in the world are there yellow splotches all around my once reasonably clean (and presentable) toilet?!
2. Public Bathrooms
Last October, my responsible pottier told me he had to go to the bathroom while we were on the road. We stopped at a fast food joint (because this is probably the cleanest place you can find on the road). I put my little boy on the toilet and waited outside the stall door.
That’s when a mom comes running in with her toddler thrown over her arms. She’s puking. The toddler is puking. I’m literally a foot away from throw up. The mom starts apologizing profusely while holding this little girl who has successfully missed the trashcan she’s being held over 95% of the time.
I smiled and told her it was totally fine, just to take care of her little girl. But of course, I can smell it. I can smell the puke.
Meantime, my son’s freaking out.
“What’s going on out there?”
“Mom, are you there?”
“Is everything okay?”
Well no honey. There’s a child throwing up so much the stench is actually clinging to my hair.
I slowly move into the bathroom stall where my son is now straining to poop.
“Honey, don’t push too hard.”
He’s pushing too hard.
Suddenly, my leg feels warm.
I look down.
He’s peeing on my pants. He’s not meaning to, but we’re sharing a stall.
I move out to the sink, next to the puking girl and her delirious mom. Once there I weigh the benefits of cleaning my pants to the risk of being next to the little girl.
I’m going back to the stall where J.C. is done (but only after about thirty minutes of pooping).
He gets up, turns to get his behind wiped. The best case scenario would have been poop three inches from my face. Oh, but that would have been the best scenario.
There was something running down his leg. Oh great.
As he and I walk out of the stall, there’s the lovely stench of throw up… but we have to wash our hands.
Public bathrooms, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen.
3. Speaking of HANDS
From the inside of the toilet’s tank, to the foot stool covered in pee, to the pee catcher also covered in pee. Not to mention the public bathrooms.
Well, no you can’t eat lunch son, you’ve gone to the bathroom today.
4. It is Inconvenient
In fact, I’d say – pooping while sitting in a car seat is incredible multi-tasking. Your child poops, you wipe it up when you get to your destination – whala – you’re on time and everyone is happy.
Last summer, my all-important-ring-bearer-son and I were leaving our hotel room for a wedding. We were going to be right on time to take photos with his uncle and soon-to-be-aunt.
Of course, as we’re walking out the door I hear, “Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.”
I ask the dreaded question while praying it’s the answer I want to hear, “Poop or pee, honey?”
While running to the bathroom he yells, “POOP!”
I flip off my heels, text my mother-in-law and strap in for a 30 minute pooping session (and toilet discovery time – see point #3.). We’re not going to be on time. And we weren’t. He missed nearly all of the wedding party photos.
Brings some context to why he was running down the aisle, right?